Talking about how you feel about someone or something is not always easy. But is that because we are uncomfortable at being open in general, or is it a misunderstanding that in order to declare our love at a wedding or for someone’s birthday means we have to simply just list our feelings?

Here’s an example of me exploring the love I have for my dad through the lens of one of Arsenal Football Club’s greatest ever goalscorers…

***

Ian Wright

You are crying on the football pitch
with your red number 8 shirt above your head
revealing a Nike vest on your bursting chest
with the words 179 JUST DONE IT.
I smile at the pun and struggle
to think about anything I’ve done
the number of times you’ve scored for Arsenal.
Breathing? That doesn’t count, I have to breathe.
Attempting keep-ups in front of my big brother’s mates
is all I can think of. Or waving Dad off to a nightshift.

You are crying in the stands at Highbury Stadium
in a documentary on TV at my parents’ home in Swindon.
The teacher you thought was dead has come back to life
to tell you he was proud of you.
You place your brown flat cap over your eyes
to hide the tears on your face
and my Dad does the same with his powerful hand.

You are crying through my headphones.
Lauren Laverne is thanking you for being honest
and you strike back with the name
of your 6th Desert Island Disc,
Mysteries of the World by MFSB
I think about Dad
comparing my uncle’s suicide to Gary Speed.

You are crying on a YouTube video
talking about Dennis Bergkamp
with the admiration of a brother.

Your laces used to punch through a ball like no one else,
but you’re on the screen melting
to your own description of Bergkamp’s elegant touch.
You say it opened up the future.

We named our hamster Dennis,
but you were wallpaper. Your bobble figure –
the one with the under-worn England shirt
painted to your torso – still lives in my desk drawer.

You are smiling on a Portal from Facebook Christmas ad
playing charades with your kids who are around my age.
You are miming kicking a ball.
When their guessing time is up
you say the answer was you
scoring against Swindon Town in 1993.
Those two words burst across my chest.
I am crying on the sofa.

***

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